T.H.E. “My Warrior Life” Healing Warrior
“My warrior life is healing the little girl within to feel safe, be authentic and live freely.”
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My emotional stability matters because…
By: Carla Necole Williams
I’ve been broke or broken financially, professionally, emotionally, physically and spiritually at one time or another. Sometimes all at once. My 20’s were my ‘decade of depression’; at least that’s what I call that period of time. In fact, one of my close friends once told me that she was drawn to me because I was so sad. She said I never smiled.I had lived a long time without trusting my own judgment and being disconnected emotionally. I was surprised that my misery was evident at all. I was unknowingly wearing my emotions on my sleeve and I thought I hid my pain so well. My friend’s comment reminded of the time a therapist told me I came off as reserved and solemn. The two observations were years apart.Growing up, I didn’t feel like I had much to smile about. When I became an adult, this life view persisted. I felt like I had to always be on the defense. I felt like I was always fighting something whether that be depression, poverty, perverts, racism and self-hatred. My beliefs that my life would never be good or easy were up front and personal.
I had good reasons for feeling the way I felt. By the way, I’m done invalidating my feelings. I’d been laid off twice in five years, I like my life was arbitrary and had no meaning, I was not handling family deaths well, and childhood traumas that I thought I was over were affecting me in unconscious ways.
I realized that inside I was still this scared and insecure little girl who didn’t feel safe and had no emotional anchors. I needed to go back and meet the little girl who is me. I needed to tell her some things. I needed to tell her that she is beautiful, that I love her and that she always mattered.
I had intentionally forgotten this little girl because I was ashamed of her. I thought she was weak and a coward because she was always afraid. I had left her behind when what I should have left behind was the lie that she was unlovable and didn’t matter.
It was this little girl who got through some of the worst times of my life. She survived so that I am here today.
Eventually I realized that I could change what I thought was a life destined for suffering and discontent.
But before I could open up to the possibility that my life could change, I had to admit my part in perpetuating the patterns and cycles that were holding me back.
My unattained successes and perceived failures were the product of a negative mind that was borne from traumatic childhood experiences. Were my reasons valid? Yes, they were. Did I have to allow past pain to be my cross to bear forever? Hell no!
I was in a space where I wanted to experience something different. I no longer wanted to feel like a victim. I was being told that I had power over my life, and I set my fear aside just enough to test this out.
The hardest part for me was to believe. If I can be honest with you, believing still comes hard for me. But the risk of staying the same scared me more than the risk of trying a new approach. And with everything in me, I wanted a change.
I decided to figure out what I really want for my life. I want to know for certain what gets me excited. I want to know the answer to “what do you like to do?” I want to know how I really feel so that I can voice my wants, needs and desires. I want to know what speaks to my soul. I want to hear what is being spoken to my soul.
I know how to live life in a state of numbness. I know how to survive. Now, I want to live fully and authentically. I want to thrive.
Over the years my process for healing my inner child start with clearing space so that I can see and hear clearly. I clear space physically, emotionally and spiritually. Doing this helps me make the best decisions for me. Even when those decisions are hard and painful and against what is comfortable for me.
Every level of my healing is enlightening for me. I have moments when I feel drained, down and disappointed with life. I have learned that it is okay to not always feel okay. Life is ups and downs, twists and turns and highs and lows. The journey is necessary to heal the inner child.
Be gentle with yourself and be the person you needed when you were a kid.
In life, there will be obstacles and there will be pain. But at the end of the pain, there will be growth and there will be purpose. Life is tough but so are you.
