By Jamie Allred
Wendy asked me to write a few words about my experience with “Life After Divorce”. I met Wendy as I was going through a divorce after 32 years of marriage. My daughter Katie & Wendy were attending the University of La Verne’s Masters Program for Marriage & Family Therapists. They became great friends and helped each other succeed in their profession. I would like to thank Wendy for her unconditional friendship & support to my daughter Katie, as divorce affects the whole family.
It makes you question your purpose in life & challenges your beliefs in God, Faith & self.
I believe marriage is a union between 2 people sealed with the blessings of God. When that union is broken by abusive behaviors, such as lying, cheating, and physical or mental abuse, the union with each other & God is broken.
This is my story after 32 years of marriage. I had my heart & soul shattered. My mind was in a fog and daily task became unbearable. I had to come to the realization that I was the only one fighting to save the marriage. I spent all my energy trying to save him and in the process lost my myself. As the song goes, I felt I was
“NOT GOOD ENOUGH? NOT SMART ENOUGH?
NOT PRETTY ENOUGH?”
My spirit was broken and at that moment I got on my knees and surrendered to the Lord. I set my ego aside and allowed God to start the healing process in me. I realized it was not my job to save him but to save myself and become the best version of me through prayer & counseling. I will never forget my first counseling session with my Therapist who stated, “Everyone has a set of knees to kneel on and ask for help. It is not your job to get on your knees for someone else. When they are ready they can get down on their own knees.”
I have learned to “Let Go & Let God” and ask for his daily guidance. I work on my physical, mental & spiritual well being, through prayer, journaling, inspirational reading, healthy food & exercise. I believe today that love flows from within, outward. I forgive and love myself so I can fully give that Love to another human being. I deal with issues in a positive way by evaluating the situation, seeking advice from people I trust, and taking it to prayer.
I listen, learn and keep my ego to the side so it does not block God’s will. I am truly happy and know it is not another persons job to make me happy. My relationships are healthy and as I tell my family, “ I have retired from being an enabler.”
The work I have done to improve me and create a new & beautiful life has opened my children’s eyes to look at themselves and make positive changes in their lives.
The best compliment I got after several years of divorce was from my daughter Katie. I said to her, “ I am so glad that she gets to see me whole again,” and she said to me, “NO MOM, I get to see my mom whole for the first time in my life.”
I was told during a time when I was at my worst, that one day I would wake up and Thank God for the journey he sent me on. Today I can say, Yes Lord, Yes Lord, you were right. Thank You!!!
Thank you so very much for this message!! I was married for 24 years and I left my husband because of the physical abuse that had gotten worse because he had another life with another woman. I loved him so much then and still trying to get over him today that I stayed knowing he was cheating over the years because he admitted when she became pregnant. I thought I had to stay because we were a union in God’s eyes. The verbal abuse and the cheating and controlling wasn’t enough for me to give up on our marriage I held in praying that he would change. I felt I had no one reading your message made me feel as if I actually did what I was suppose to do. Everyone had an opinion but they are never there when you need them.